Have you ever asked your husband if he was gay, or told your 90 year old Christian Grandmother who has been in a relationship for 71 years, that your getting Divorced?
That was my day.
So, I’ve been thinking a lot about crying. It’s a funny thing when you think about crying. In a way, it almost defeats the purpose. Makes you not want to cry. Makes you want to be a man! For me, trying to cry makes me think that I’m trying to be sad for myself, like a pity party, or maybe I’m trying to fake an emotion that isn’t really even there. It reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development where Michael asks Lindsay if she’s trying to cry and Lindsey says, “I’m sad!.”
Has anyone else ever thought about crying as much as I have in the past three days. Overanalyzing, wondering when it would come, wishing for it, needing it, to get it out. Maybe it’s not in my head… Maybe in some weird way I just know that it’s on the horizon. It’s like an intuition of sorts… I spent my childhood years laboring over theses walls, preparing the fine print, securing each brick of protection around my precious ego. At an early age I learned how to safely navigate the waters of any situation. I learned to say the right thing at all times, never upset, always agree, be likable, look right, act right, do right and most importantly.. never cry. It wasn’t something I was told not to do, it was a way for me to have control over my emotions and therefore, ultimately, my life. One day I decided that I was not going to cry anymore. And for years, I didn’t. I can’t remember how many years I went without crying, I would hear of horrible things and I would not feel any emotion at all. But, I had asked to be this way and so God had graciously bestowed on me the gift of insensitivity. It was good when God met me in that place in the year 2000. The floodgates of the wells of my soul opened and I finally felt something again. I never want to be back in that place that I was. So I will cry when I can. I am scared and excited about my future, but, in this great future, you can’t forget your past. So for now I will dry my tears and say….
Have you ever been one of those people trying to catch up on a show that you realized was intriguing or perhaps talk of the show just kept interfering with your daily life?
Maybe it was all those damn stars on Netflix or it was recommend by your circle of friends. Maybe you were just curious and wanted to see what all the rave was about, or you stumbled on it accidentally, or worse you were forced to glimpse a scene or part of an episode.
You overhear your roommate on the phone engaged in a conversation about some guy named Jesse and the chicken guy. You wonder what it means with they say, “there is always money in the banana stand, winter is coming or that proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it.” You are for some reason drawn to it, to know, to understand, to be in that boat.
If you are like the majority, starting in the middle would be a crime. The others do not care one way or the other, they need to know what it is that is sucking the blood of the nation, they must see for themselves and they will start wherever they are allowed.
The majority waits. They sit patiently like a snaggletooth crocodile and when the time is right they devour their prey. Gobbling it up in a mad binge until they can no longer keep their eyes open.
You have been captured. The Character is your friend. You hate what Damages is, but you can’t stop.
This is my blog. I am not a girl to start in the middle, but I have to.
If I were to start at the beginning you would have to be waiting for a very long time
to binge, to know me, to understand my character and why things came to be the way they are.
Also watch Spoiler Alert If you do not mind a spoiler or two on everyone else’s favorite show.
There Is Beauty in the Ashes.
When I went in, I sat in my usual spot on the couch, I kindly asked the therapist if she could get me some water. When she comes back I am lying on my back across the small two seater, my head propped up on the shimmery throw pillow that I would normally place on my lap. “That kind of a day? she asks.”
“That kind of a decade!” I tell her.
But it’s only in hindsight that I say that.
You don’t know it yet, but You lost me today.
I went to Our house because you told me Not to.
You out of all people should know that if you tell me I can’t do something, that is exactly what I’ll do.
I am a rebel. I am my own. Nobody tells me what to do. Nobody Controls me! I would like to think this is a gift or some great quality, but it can be my biggest downfall.
There was no reason to warn me twice not to come over.
One minute it’s I want to be with you come get your stuff the next minute ,call before you come over and the next without any wrongdoing on my part, I am not allowed to be there at Our house, with My stuff ,while you’re gone. Oh Hell No, as they all say.. And so I go.
I was on my way to work. I called my best friend before I went. “I’m goin in!” I say. And so I go..
I went and I looked around. Are you proud of your spic and span life? What a good housekeeper. Who needs a wife huh? Well, I’m cleaning up after one now too. Doesn’t it feel nice?
I looked around. I looked. I looked but I found nothing. Not a scrap of paper, not a sign of anything. Your bed sheets were in the wash, but I know why that is. I went to your new fancy computer. I ever so slightly moved the mouse. I had to find something. The computer clicked on. Yes!!! No..Password protection. Nice try, but no cigar for me. I don’t know how I did it, but I put it back to sleep. I looked around. The papers were still on your desk, unchecked, unsigned. A great indicator of a confused and ball-free man. I said bye to all the fish by name and proceeded to lock the door. Then I found something, something most peculiar.
My key no longer fit in the deadbolt.
The deadbolt had changed. I tried my key again and again. I saw some keys on the table, I guess they were just spares to the bottom lock. I went out the door and tried the side door. All the locks on the house are the same. It worked, but I couldn’t get in. I went back in and walked through the kitchen. I noticed that the back door latch was locked. So I can’t get in from the outside. I walked into the the other room to see why the side door wouldn’t open, as I turned on the lights I saw it… A new latch from the inside. You want me out and you will keep me in the dark. You do like cake no matter how much you have always denied it. I can see clearly now what you want and who you are and It doesn’t matter what you tell me anymore.
Day 30 is the hardest by far. Just as you are unclear about the direction of this blog, I am uncertain as well. Soon, in a whirlwind of dust and old poems, you will come to understand the whole thing. You may think I was wrong, a stronger woman than you, or plain stupid. You might cry, get angry, spit on the ground, or go out for a long smoke. I will try to explain why my loyalty has been a ball and chain and in doing so maybe understand why the one who is supposed to love me cannot.
I am just the chaff
separate our things
tear it all in half
split it into two
I can have one part and you can have the rest, this is a process that I am not enjoying and how content you seem
years of threshing..
pounding at my soul
wearing me down
cracked dry and useless
throw it in the ground
feed it to the wolves
toss it in the wind
I will collect myself when i come back down
I am not a desperate person. I am not going to be controlled any longer. My pride has been my shield and for what? I have done nothing but protect you and your addiction. I have done nothing but stand by your side. I will not be held at arms length, disrespected, disregarded anymore. I will not be silent. I can’t protect what is not mine as I let myself be slaughtered in the night. I am done with you. I have had a hope that nothing you could do would destroy. It is time that hope is placed in something that does not disappoint.
I have never been an insecure person. I admit I wrestled with this idea when you left the first time. I dug deep within my soul to gain understanding of who I really was. I looked at my abandonment issues, my inability to speak for myself, my fear of letting others down. I pressed in to God, because in those dark hours it was either death or moving forward. I tried to understand you and your pain. I was your best friend. I listened to you. I was unable to fully grieve the loss and betrayal because I was busy helping you deal with your relationship issues. You told me I was an insecure person.
I talked to my friends and they reminded me, they consoled me, they told me who I was. I summed up my biggest insecurities realizing that insecure was not an attribute of myself as a whole. I have weight issues and my chest is too big. Some would kill for that. I had only acquired what would later be known as my greatest insecurity that night in 2009 when I looked at your cell phone messages. It was a long time coming though, because as you searched the web those many years before and dabbled with your chat buddies what you didn’t realize was that you were setting yourself up for failure. You were breaking me. When you stopped touching me my security in what we had was gone. I only now realize away from you, how much security I can feel. Yes, I carry a knife and I wish I remembered the Krav you tried to teach me, but I have an inner security that you cannot touch. You can’t break me down with your distance and your confusion. When my pride is gone I will hand you papers. I am not desperate for your Love.
I didn’t think it was a date. I came to support you. Even though I always cry after we hang out. I don’t know how to let you go.
Been pouring your life into this for months. I spent our time on the couch by myself, while you kept busy.. what was left was falling apart.
It was good. Congratulations! I mean it from the depths of my soul.
You really are something. I’d highly recommend you for any creative opportunity and I have.
You are the man!
You can do anything, can’t you?
Drawing, painting, woodworking, shooting, building, crafting.
Building fish tanks,vehicles,handy work, whatever.
You are the master of it all aren’t you?
A brilliant piece of work.
A mind of solid iron..
English,religion, politics, you never fail to amaze. I laugh to myself whenever I think of you and our last counselor in a chess match of the mind. I am still unable to put you down. You have the most amazing mind I have ever known.
Puzzles equations, calculations, plans..
Yet you couldn’t keep your eyes off of other women.
Why can’t I just let go.
Tonight at the rehearsal, when I learned you had real tickets it pissed me off. I left with a see you guys later. Good maybe you can chat it up with a cake-faced actress.
I don’t like the way you’ve been doing your hair anyway.
You found me! I’m in between. I don’t know my up from down, or which roads left to travel. I’m headed in the right direction. Forward, onward Christian soldier. This transition sucks.. Who would have thought after 9 years of investing I would be alone. Buck up, take it like a man, fight fight fight on.. And I’ll be making lemonade out of this for a long time. Until the fucking death of me.
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